I told Robert that I was lonely, and then later he called and wanted to go to the movies. I think that part of it was that he just wanted to get out of the house also, but part of it was he doesn't hear me say that kind of thing very often. I am always lonely I think, altho it is something I am used to living with. There are so very many people in the world who have things much much worse than I do. I have my wonderful animals, and I have books, and this laptop to take me away.
Last year(around this time, actually) when I was sick one night and I picked up a diary close to my bed to divert my mind, and that diary was a Rick one, I think that that was the trigger to bringing it home to me of how alone I really am emotionally. Certainly I knew for oh so long how alone and apart Robert and I are, and have been. And I don't mean to imply that Robert and I do not have love for one another because we do, but not the kind of love between a man and a woman that has the passion and longing which makes life more easy to endure.
Did Robert and I ever have that love after the first few months...well, I guess I thought so for a little while, but now I doubt that I was ever right at all about his feelings for me.
Anyway, that is all in the past, and nothing can be done about it now. We have had many years together, and maybe what happened was necessary for our soul growth, if any of that is true, and I really hope it is. I don't want to get into the God thing right now. Kathy, who doesn't know anything about Robert and Amy, said that even though I always say that I never want to have another relationship with a man, that she hopes that I would find someone that I like, and who would be a companion to me and someone I would like to share my life with.
That is just an amazing thought to me, and also makes me think that Kathy is feeling sorry for me. I really hate for anyone to pity me, I don't need pity!
Robert and I do have a relationship, strange, strange as it is. But I know that at any time he could sever his connection to me. And certainly neither of us satisfy the other one emotionally.
I feel alone, adrift, and I have been lonely for so very long, I can't even imagine for a minute having love and passion again.
I once wrote (about Rick) that his kisses were like water in the desert to me. God, I live in the desert now. Maybe a picture to brighten this gloomy post .
