Heartbroken P2

So, it's later in the day of my last post, and Blackie is here, and I fed him, and he's rolling around on my cat box when he hears my voice. I CANNOT stand it, what, what what can I do for him except feed him, I can't take 1 more cat, my house is bursting now, I only have little Rose 2 weeks . And Blackie chases all of the other cats, and he's so little I can't believe he can do it, but they run. If only, somehow, above the level of Quantum physics, I could find a miracle, I could find someone who would be willing to open up their home, their barn, to these poor strays and give them shelter and food. I will supply food until my last breath is gone, but I just have no more room for shelter. Blackie's luck will run out, and winter is coming. He needs to be neutered, he needs to be contained, he's going to meet up with a cat who will kick his butt, and there is no one to take care of him when it happens.
I can't stand this, it tortures me. Always.

Facebook 2

This Facebook thing is sort of cool, but it's hard to keep up with it, and I don't know how to do a lot of things. I found my cousin Ray on 2 different people's friend's list, so now he is on mine. But see, this is the thing, no one on my list is really a close friend , God, Scott is in Calif. and I don't even KNOW him, (but he loves Lost and Obama, and that's good enough for me) Anyway, I think I get Facebook now, at least for myself, it's just sort of a superficial thing, and you don't HAVE to post anything personal on there. So, at least for now, I think I'll stay on, it's been fun reading the Stephen King and Dean Koontz book sites.
I am now on the last book of The Dark Tower, I don't want it to end, it is so so so good. Eddie is going to die, and who knows if he will be the only one. After 7 books, I hope I don't hate the ending.
I saw Brownie, the stray cat, and tonight Blackie, the stray cat will be here to eat, and while I can barely deal with this NOW, how much worse will I be when the temperature is 20 degrees, instead of 80 degrees.
My heart is always always broken.

The School is Coming Down

They started to take down the old school building by my house today. The reason why is because it is in such bad shape, and the reason it's in such bad shape is because the politics of this town is in even worse shape, and the guy who owned it apparently had connections and was never made to keep it in code. It became a ruin, and now the Church is ripping it down, to make a freaking parking lot.
But I'm not here to discuss that aspect of it, sad as it is. I'm thinking about all of the stray cats who took refuge in it, poor shelter that it was, it was still something. Soon it will be just an empty lot, and they will have one less place to shelter them during the cruel winter. I've heard that they found a lot of animal bodies in there, and I wasn't surprised. I'm sure that poor ACE was there, and countless others that I didn't know about. Maybe Watermellon too. I wish (a) that I could help all of them who remain and (b) that I could somehow honor their memory, the cats with no names who suffered and died without a tear shed in their memory.

Facebook

Kippie asked me to friend her on Facebook, so I went there today to do it, and now I have a Facebook page. Well, if you want to call it that, as I have no info on it, and Kippie is my only friend!! Well, maybe Scott will be too, even tho at first I could NOT imagine who Scott even was, until I realized he was the guy who writes the Lost blogs which I love so much, and I emailed him a few times. I'm not feeling computer literate today, I couldn't even get this thing to type in green.
Anyway, back to Facebook, I am just too private to post all of this personal stuff online, I have a hard enough time doing this, and I know that no one even sees this stuff.
Maybe I'll get the hang of it at some point....right now I think I'll just go offline and go to the store.

Lonely

I told Robert that I was lonely, and then later he called and wanted to go to the movies. I think that part of it was that he just wanted to get out of the house also, but part of it was he doesn't hear me say that kind of thing very often. I am always lonely I think, altho it is something I am used to living with. There are so very many people in the world who have things much much worse than I do. I have my wonderful animals, and I have books, and this laptop to take me away.

Last year(around this time, actually) when I was sick one night and I picked up a diary close to my bed to divert my mind, and that diary was a Rick one, I think that that was the trigger to bringing it home to me of how alone I really am emotionally. Certainly I knew for oh so long how alone and apart Robert and I are, and have been. And I don't mean to imply that Robert and I do not have love for one another because we do, but not the kind of love between a man and a woman that has the passion and longing which makes life more easy to endure.

Did Robert and I ever have that love after the first few months...well, I guess I thought so for a little while, but now I doubt that I was ever right at all about his feelings for me.

Anyway, that is all in the past, and nothing can be done about it now. We have had many years together, and maybe what happened was necessary for our soul growth, if any of that is true, and I really hope it is. I don't want to get into the God thing right now. Kathy, who doesn't know anything about Robert and Amy, said that even though I always say that I never want to have another relationship with a man, that she hopes that I would find someone that I like, and who would be a companion to me and someone I would like to share my life with.

That is just an amazing thought to me, and also makes me think that Kathy is feeling sorry for me. I really hate for anyone to pity me, I don't need pity!

Robert and I do have a relationship, strange, strange as it is. But I know that at any time he could sever his connection to me. And certainly neither of us satisfy the other one emotionally.

I feel alone, adrift, and I have been lonely for so very long, I can't even imagine for a minute having love and passion again.

I once wrote (about Rick) that his kisses were like water in the desert to me. God, I live in the desert now. Maybe a picture to brighten this gloomy post .

hmm, what to say, watching the news about the Swine Flu.

It's so scary, and yesterday I felt as tho I were living in The Stand. I wonder how Stephen King is feeling, and what he's thinking. Since I love (most) the books of Stephen so very much, I always wish I could sit down and talk to him. I feel as tho I know him. There actually was some guy on CNN yesterday who was saying there is no reason not to travel, and this will be a good time to do it, as resorts won't be crowded. I think that is such irresponsible reporting. How foolish is it to travel to a place where there is a communicable disease. What a fool. His advice was to just make sure to wash your hands. Right.

I guess there is nothing we can do about this, just wait and see how things go down. I think that it will follow the 1918 Flu, altho hopefully not with the mortality rates! It will probably die off soon, and then return in the Fall. I guess this means that this year I'll have to get a Flu shot!

All of these dark thoughts seem out of place with this beautiful summer-like weather we are enjoying right now. I've been seeing the stray cats I feed, piercing my heart because there is nothing I can do for them except feed them. At least the cruel winter is over, and they aren't suffering from the snow and cold. God, they are all so very cute.

And because I was reading one of my old diaries, I've been remembering the past, my mom, all of the agony we went thru with her illness, and Rick, all of the agony (and happiness too) in our relationship. I wrote "we have a flame between us". I can't bring back that feeling, I don't know how to HAVE that feeling anymore, but I know that the line was true. We could not stay away from one another, no matter how many problems we had, the physical pull we had for each other was impossible to resist. For sure I couldn't stay away from him, and it seems, at least according to what I wrote, that he was the same with me. It was a different time, a different life, and a different me.

I don't know how I lived thru it, with my mother, and with his

"I want to be with you, I can't be with you, I can't see you anymore, I love you, I want to see you, etc etc." All I know is when I did get to be with him, the joy was always well worth the pain. I'll never be that happy again. That's so sad. I think I'll post a picture to counteract all of these gloomy writings.

Jinx

I want to talk about Jinxie. Louise had to have her put to sleep today.
She called me this morning and asked me to go down and look at her, she said Jinx was dying. Oh God, I did not, not want to go, to have to look at another poor puss dying. I told Louise no. We talked awhile and then hung up, and I realized I had to get my act together and go, that I needed to say goodbye to Jinx and to tell Louise to take her to the vet, because Louise was in a I just want her to die at home mood! Well yes, it would be nice if it were that easy, but it never is, it never has been for me and my beloved animals, thats for sure.
So I got dressed quickly and went to see poor little Jinx, who was lying on Louise's bed and who didn't seem to be in distress altho she was breathing with a wheeze. Why is it so very difficult to be here on earth, why must we and the animals we love have to endure such pain and hardship.
It is something I agonize over and the hardest article of faith I wrestle with.
Anyway, I got to pet Jinx and kiss her head and tell her that we love her, and I think that I helped Louise to see that she needed to take her to the vets and end Jinxie's suffering. That even if, at that moment Jinx was not in pain, that there was no guarantee that she wouldn't be if Louise let it go on.
So little Jinx is gone now, and where is she. I would like to think that she and all of the other animals I have loved and lost, and all animals everywhere, ARE at the "Rainbow Bridge" . I used to believe, I used to have hope, and I tried so hard to have faith, but honestly, I just don't know, I just don't know. I have so much trouble believing in the concept of a loving and personal God. Is there really a God who cares about a little black cat who passed out of this world?? I hope so, I WANT to believe that there is, I just don't know. I was on a website which posed a question of do animals have souls, and the answers people responded with were very engaging. Some of them were also quite funny. They thought it quite obvious that animals have souls, they weren't so sure that we did!!!
Because I have been so tormented lately with these God questions, I thought of this, that no matter what, even if there is no God, and when we die we just die (which is an idea I have always rejected) I decided that we have to try to always do good and help the animals and the earth while we are here, that we need to do the right thing just for its' own sake.
And when I read Fishbiscuit's Lost recap yesterday, she said almost those exact words when she was talking about Jack and Ben. We need to do what's right for its own sake, at least I can still believe in that.
I want and hope that Jinx is at the Rainbow Bridge, back in a young healthy body and playing with all of her old buddies and free of pain.
RIP sweet girl.