hmm, what to say, watching the news about the Swine Flu.

It's so scary, and yesterday I felt as tho I were living in The Stand. I wonder how Stephen King is feeling, and what he's thinking. Since I love (most) the books of Stephen so very much, I always wish I could sit down and talk to him. I feel as tho I know him. There actually was some guy on CNN yesterday who was saying there is no reason not to travel, and this will be a good time to do it, as resorts won't be crowded. I think that is such irresponsible reporting. How foolish is it to travel to a place where there is a communicable disease. What a fool. His advice was to just make sure to wash your hands. Right.

I guess there is nothing we can do about this, just wait and see how things go down. I think that it will follow the 1918 Flu, altho hopefully not with the mortality rates! It will probably die off soon, and then return in the Fall. I guess this means that this year I'll have to get a Flu shot!

All of these dark thoughts seem out of place with this beautiful summer-like weather we are enjoying right now. I've been seeing the stray cats I feed, piercing my heart because there is nothing I can do for them except feed them. At least the cruel winter is over, and they aren't suffering from the snow and cold. God, they are all so very cute.

And because I was reading one of my old diaries, I've been remembering the past, my mom, all of the agony we went thru with her illness, and Rick, all of the agony (and happiness too) in our relationship. I wrote "we have a flame between us". I can't bring back that feeling, I don't know how to HAVE that feeling anymore, but I know that the line was true. We could not stay away from one another, no matter how many problems we had, the physical pull we had for each other was impossible to resist. For sure I couldn't stay away from him, and it seems, at least according to what I wrote, that he was the same with me. It was a different time, a different life, and a different me.

I don't know how I lived thru it, with my mother, and with his

"I want to be with you, I can't be with you, I can't see you anymore, I love you, I want to see you, etc etc." All I know is when I did get to be with him, the joy was always well worth the pain. I'll never be that happy again. That's so sad. I think I'll post a picture to counteract all of these gloomy writings.

Jinx

I want to talk about Jinxie. Louise had to have her put to sleep today.
She called me this morning and asked me to go down and look at her, she said Jinx was dying. Oh God, I did not, not want to go, to have to look at another poor puss dying. I told Louise no. We talked awhile and then hung up, and I realized I had to get my act together and go, that I needed to say goodbye to Jinx and to tell Louise to take her to the vet, because Louise was in a I just want her to die at home mood! Well yes, it would be nice if it were that easy, but it never is, it never has been for me and my beloved animals, thats for sure.
So I got dressed quickly and went to see poor little Jinx, who was lying on Louise's bed and who didn't seem to be in distress altho she was breathing with a wheeze. Why is it so very difficult to be here on earth, why must we and the animals we love have to endure such pain and hardship.
It is something I agonize over and the hardest article of faith I wrestle with.
Anyway, I got to pet Jinx and kiss her head and tell her that we love her, and I think that I helped Louise to see that she needed to take her to the vets and end Jinxie's suffering. That even if, at that moment Jinx was not in pain, that there was no guarantee that she wouldn't be if Louise let it go on.
So little Jinx is gone now, and where is she. I would like to think that she and all of the other animals I have loved and lost, and all animals everywhere, ARE at the "Rainbow Bridge" . I used to believe, I used to have hope, and I tried so hard to have faith, but honestly, I just don't know, I just don't know. I have so much trouble believing in the concept of a loving and personal God. Is there really a God who cares about a little black cat who passed out of this world?? I hope so, I WANT to believe that there is, I just don't know. I was on a website which posed a question of do animals have souls, and the answers people responded with were very engaging. Some of them were also quite funny. They thought it quite obvious that animals have souls, they weren't so sure that we did!!!
Because I have been so tormented lately with these God questions, I thought of this, that no matter what, even if there is no God, and when we die we just die (which is an idea I have always rejected) I decided that we have to try to always do good and help the animals and the earth while we are here, that we need to do the right thing just for its' own sake.
And when I read Fishbiscuit's Lost recap yesterday, she said almost those exact words when she was talking about Jack and Ben. We need to do what's right for its own sake, at least I can still believe in that.
I want and hope that Jinx is at the Rainbow Bridge, back in a young healthy body and playing with all of her old buddies and free of pain.
RIP sweet girl.